Wake-up: 8:54 AM (planned 5 AM)
In 1,895 · Out 2,235 · Net −340 · Protein 60g
Morning — Woke up way later than planned. My computer battery died overnight, which meant the phone charging off it died too, so I woke up in a panic with a dead phone. Brushed my teeth, whatever, and already missed my first LF meeting of the morning.
Therapy — An hour with a new therapist, trying IFS (internal family systems). Today was mostly just giving her my history, so I wasn't expecting much, but we already landed on something real: I think the core issue I'm dealing with is a fear of being seen. Whether that's with a partner while dating, or just dressing up well, or doing my makeup — there's this embarrassment underneath it. Hoping to gradually work through that.
Work — Last week on this longer project. Talked to one of the engineers about writing my wrap-up doc, had a few meetings, got a disappointing burrito bowl, spent most of the day working and saying goodbyes.
Also work — Feeling anxious because my promo stuff is happening right now and I don't know how it'll go. My manager seems supportive, but my skip isn't, and there was a whole HR thing. What's really been bothering me is my engineering lead — when I tell him something can't be done, he doesn't believe me and keeps working over me, but the second someone with more authority says the same thing, he accepts it instantly. Pathetic, honestly. So obsessed with hierarchy he can't function normally. I'm genuinely looking forward to getting off this project and finding something new — it's a toxic political environment and I don't enjoy it.
Evening walk — Went for a walk with the engineering lead I actually like (the one I'm working with here in California) and another guy who was kind of annoying — strong opinions with basically no on-the-ground context, and he ran us 30 minutes over. Gave me a bit of a headache.
Best part of the day — Laid in one of those floating pods afterward and it was so relaxing. Also on the walk, saw a dad carrying both his kids at once, one on his neck and one on his shoulder, and it was unbearably cute. Rode my bike down a big hill at the end of the day and that was awesome too.
Random — Ran into Alex, an old engineering manager I used to work with, at the hotel gym. Nice to catch up — he told me I made the right call moving off my old team, since there isn't much interest in that area anymore.
Night — Came up, relaxed for about an hour, worked on the blog, surfed the web, then worked out for an hour downstairs. Still just walking because of the ankle pain, but it's noticeably improving — hoping I can eventually try running again. Showered, did skincare, some LF work, planned tomorrow, then handled some admin: moved my Chicago flight, booked my flight and car back to the Bay Area for a friend's wedding. Bed at midnight.
Also — Surprised myself today. Now that going back to New York is getting closer, I realize I'm really going to miss the Bay. I love driving, driving a nice car, having actual roads to do it on. Maybe this is what I want right now in my life. Going back to New York, I'm happy to be home, but it's going to be busy — I'll be riding my bike everywhere, definitely not driving, congestion everywhere. It just feels harder, the way life there does. Something to sit with.
What I realized
- The fear of being seen might be the actual root issue — dating, dressing up, makeup, all of it seems to trace back to the same embarrassment.
- My engineering lead only respects authority, not correctness. That's a hierarchy problem, not a me problem.
- The best moments of an otherwise stressful day were tiny and free: a floating pod, a stranger's kids on his shoulders, a bike ride downhill.
- The ankle is slowly getting better — a real, if small, sign of progress.
- I'm going to miss the Bay more than I expected — the driving, the space, the roads. Maybe that's telling me something about what I actually want right now.
Debt paid: 1,480 / 262,500 — 0.56%