Wake-up: 7 AM
In 1,380 · Out 2,120 · Net −740 · Protein 72g
My very last night in the South Bay.
Morning — A little rough getting up, and rushed once I was — a meeting got canceled, another one popped up, so I ended up doing my stretches and getting ready mid-meeting. Eventually made it to the office for day two of the summit.
Summit — Overall pretty good. Got seated next to someone a little annoying in one of the morning exercises, wished I'd picked a different table. Then we did this exercise where you look into someone's eyes for ten minutes with these "love the world" style affirmations, and it genuinely shifted something in me — toward her, and toward my TL too, who I've been having a hard time with. At least it opened up some space to approach that relationship in a healthier way.
Also today — Increased my bupropion from 150 to 300. Not sure how much that factored into the day, but noting it.
Also good — Spent a lot of time with my friend from my old team again. Learned a lot at the summit, though I know I'm behind on my own work now and need to get back to it with more ownership. Back in New York next week, and I think I'll finally settle into a rhythm once this Bay stretch wraps up — though like I said before, I'm going to miss it.
Family — Talked to my sister, my brother, and my parents today. Visiting my niece in Chicago this weekend, though she's sick again — she always seems to be sick when I see her, so I never quite get the full, unguarded version of her, which is a little sad. Hope she feels better.
Also family, harder — I noticed I'm more willing to open up to my sister and parents lately, coming out of my shell a bit more. But it still hurts that I don't think my mom will ever really see me — she doesn't hold onto what I tell her, and she's stuck in this fixed, hyper-focused version of her family of origin, like a photo snapshot of herself as a kid that she never moved past. I notice I end up matching her energy sometimes, like joining in on criticizing other people, and it's draining. Something to reflect on, something I'd like to reduce.
Evening — Lifted in the evening. A little anxious about tomorrow — travel, and I'm behind on work — but trying to just control what I can: finished packing, ordered breakfast for tomorrow, planned to do a bit more work before bed. Trying to keep the anxious motion in check rather than let it run the night.
What I realized
- The eye-contact exercise actually changed how I felt toward two people I'd been having friction with — a reminder that a shift in perspective doesn't always need a big intervention.
- I'm opening up more to my sister and parents, which feels like real progress, even if it doesn't extend to my mom the way I wish it did.
- I notice myself mirroring my mom's habit of criticizing others when I'm around her, and I don't like it in myself.
- Controlling what's controllable (packing, food, a bit of work) is the actual antidote to travel-and-deadline anxiety, not white-knuckling through it.
Debt paid: 930 / 262,500 — 0.35%