Wake-up: 7 AM
In 1,320 · Out 1,955 · Net −635 · Protein 70g
7 AM — Woke up on my brother's new couch, which is somehow incredibly comfy.
~8 AM — Saw my niece for the first time this trip! She was startled to see me at first, but then we started being snakes and making sounds at each other, and she warmed up to me fast — full snuggle butt by breakfast. We hung out for a while before I had to leave for work.
~9 AM — Worked out of the Chicago office. Had a presentation in the morning that I personally thought was shit, but my bosses seemed to think otherwise, which was a relief.
Lunch — My brother, sister-in-law, and niece came by the office to join me. We got lobster rolls. I could tell they were impressed by the office, which made me a little uncomfortable — especially with my sister-in-law openly pressuring my brother to get a job out here.
Afternoon — Drove home, my niece went down for a nap, and we relaxed for a while. Something disturbed me during that stretch: the person I'd interviewed with mentioned her team members had 1:1s with a woman and a man on another team who refused all contact with me and treated me like I had no worth. That person also happens to be over 400 lbs, and I noticed myself fixating on that detail — like I was trying to use it to strip her of her own worth. It pulled me into a bad cycle.
Also afternoon — My brother lost a tooth eating a slice of pizza, and it hit me harder than it probably should have — it made his struggle with obesity feel very present, along with the fact that he can't quite take care of himself or get himself to the dentist, and money makes it worse. But underneath that is really the emotional enmeshment I have with his stuff. I just tried to stay above the line and enjoy the day for what it was.
Evening — Watched Materialists and had Thai food. Not going to lie — today was tough.
What I realized
- Fixating on someone else's body to try to strip her of worth is a cycle I can catch myself in, and naming it plainly is the first way out of it.
- My brother's tooth breaking wasn't really about the tooth — it brought up a lot about obesity, money, and how enmeshed I get in his struggles.
- Feeling uncomfortable being "impressed at" by family isn't ingratitude — it's not wanting to be the thing creating pressure between my brother and sister-in-law.
- A hard day can still hold real warmth — my niece, lunch, the movie — that's not a contradiction, that's just what a tough day actually looks like.
Debt paid: 1,960 / 262,500 — 0.75%