Wake-up: 7:30 AM
In 1,050 · Out 2,010 · Net −960 · Protein 40g
7:30 AM — Woke up to my niece already crying — she's had a rough couple of days. Felt bad hearing it, because they'd been keeping her in their bedroom just so I wouldn't be disturbed. She came out not long after, I showered, took my medication, and hung out with her and my brother while my sister-in-law was out running an errand.
Late morning — Grabbed some food from a cafe, fed some to my niece, and then took a nap when she went down for hers.
Midday — Packed in a rush because we were heading out apple picking, and in the scramble I left my work laptop at their house. I feel horrible about it, but there's not much to do now — asked my brother to drop it at my office Monday so they can ship it to me, and I'll just use a loaner in the meantime. Still feels awful and hugely inconvenient.
Afternoon — Drove an hour out to the apple orchard and actually had a good time. Somewhere in there I got a little down thinking about lunch tomorrow with some b-school friends — all of them married or getting there, having kids or planning to. I feel like I'm exactly where I've always been. Stagnant. My brother has a family now, but he struggles to really be present with them or with himself, and watching that makes me wonder if I'll ever actually break through what our upbringing did to us and get to a happy life. Seeing him struggle makes the whole picture feel a little doom and gloom for me too.
Evening — Ate at a fast food spot on the way, got to the airport, and I'm currently just waiting on my flight — there's a nor'easter coming through so it's genuinely TBD whether I fly out tonight. Fingers crossed.
What I realized
- Feeling guilty over a laptop I can't undo is wasted energy — there's a plan in place, and that's the part actually in my control.
- Comparing my life to b-school friends who've "moved on" is a familiar spiral, and it says more about how stuck I feel than anything actually true about my life.
- My brother's struggle to be present isn't separate from my own fear of staying stuck — I project a lot of my own doom onto watching his.
- A good day (apple picking, time with my niece) and a heavy undercurrent of feeling stagnant can both be true at once.
Debt paid: 2,920 / 262,500 — 1.11%